Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
