I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
