I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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