alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize