i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
