"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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