I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
