why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
