Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
