Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
