I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
