her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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