Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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