i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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