You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
