I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
