it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
