I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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