Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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