worst night to have a conscience
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Terrible idea I love it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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