i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
