I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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