My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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