Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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