At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
