i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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