How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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