just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
