she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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