Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
