I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
