I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
