I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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