you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
