Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
