Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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