I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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