I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
