I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
