My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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