Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
