I haven't been this sober since birth.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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