i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
