my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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