and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
