Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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