i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Who died my cat blue again?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
