You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
