Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
