it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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