her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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