Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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