I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
