Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
