Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
