The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
