Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
