Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
