I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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